ain't no place like home
by azaleeqt
Summary: Laxus's birthday. In which everyone is annoyingly festive, yet all he wanted was privacy and alcohol. And maybe a hot lady. Yeah, that too. -LaxusCana


A/N: Pointless crack because I can. After time skip, obviously. Slight manga spoiler for those who only watch the anime.

* * *

Today was Laxus's birthday. And he didn't particularly care. Though he wasn't complaining if he snagged himself a woman. Yeah, definitely wasn't complaining.

Makarov was genuinely excited, waking the poor boy at 6:30am only to cry his eyes out at how his "_almost son_" had grown so fast.

He however, insisted on spending his birthday like every other normal day.

But this was _Fairy Tail_ he was talking about.

Normal wasn't a word.

And so, like every _normal_ day in Fairy Tail, ruckous upheaved. He strolled in, hands in pockets, a cool demeanour and a badass approach.

He walked over to the Raijinshū, who were currently resided at the bar. They occupied themselves, talking to a mischievous barmaid who was flustered and undeniably struggling with the several balloons she carried in hand.

Evergreen was first to speak. As always. "Laxus! You finally arrived! Look, take my present first! Bixlow, move your damned body out of the way."

Bixlow snorted. Laxus ignored her.

"Mirajane?" He questioned.

"Oh, Laxus? Why are you here? The party isn't ready yet!"

He raised a brow. "I didn't order a party."

Mirajane glistened. "I know,_ I_ did."

_"Oh."_

That explains everything.

"Well, what's with the balloons? It makes me look 5."

Natsu barged in, "Well not long ago you acted 5. You know, when you were being a power headed spoilt brat."

This promptly made Laxus_ flick_ Natsu into the nearby wall.

Freed stood in defence. "Who dares oppose Laxus! They'll have to go through me first! Happy birthday, by the way."

He too, was thrown into the nearby wall.

For all he wanted was a quiet birthday and perhaps a drink of booze. But seeing as he wasn't getting any of that here, he left.

* * *

-But before he could merely get 5 metres away, a blurry blue creature_ literally_ attacked his face.

_"Laxus!"_ Happy cried, "Happy birthday! I got you a fish."

"Get off my face."

Happy wailed, "But you're so powerful, and old. Did I mention you're getting old? I got you a fish."

"I don't want your fish. Doesn't Carla want it? And get off my face already."

Happy crawled upon his shoulder. "She's not here, she's accompanying Erza and Wendy on a mission. So you can have my fish."

Laxus picked him up and _not-so-gently_ threw him in Natsu's direction. _"Keep the stupid fish!"_

* * *

After a few sighs and awkward glances, he walked over to Lucy and Levy, who were whispering something incoherent. He sat, and stared.

"This seems like a relatively quiet table. Will I get my peace here?"

Levy smiled. "Happy birthday Laxus. I'm sorry, however. I forgot to get you a present."

He rolled his eyes. "First time I'm glad about it."

"I got you a present though, Laxus."

He turned his attention to Lucy, as she rammed a stack of pages in front of his face.

She eyed him. "My novel is good. Now tell me, do you want to read my novel?"

_"No."_

Her jaw fell. "It's my birthday gift for you! How dare you decline it, it took me hours of_ dedicated_ planning-"

Unknown to her, Laxus had lost interest the moment she opened her mouth, and so, he left.

Levy blinked, dumbfounded about the whole situation.

"_-And!_ Do you know how many quills I've gone through making this piece perfect? And don't forget the countless times Natsu has nearly burned it, or Erza slicing it. Oh boy, that leads me onto those fools bombarding my apartment. Yesterday Levy-chan, I caught Gray naked, routing through my wardrobe. What is he, a _cross dresser?_"

Levy smiled, before standing up and skipping off. _I don't know her, I don't know her._

"I'm_ furious!_" She noted, "And now I'm talking to myself!"

She angrily stood. Before scanning the Guild and spotting Gray. She was out for revenge.

* * *

Laxus wasn't in the mood for loud blondes, even if her rack was _huge_, and _by God,_ he wouldn't mind a bit of her as a birthday gift.

He plonked himself in a corner of the Guild's bar, only to realise who he had sat next to...

"Fight me."

He rubbed his temples.

"I'm not in the mood Gajeel."

A snort. "Is birthday boy acting too tough again?"

"Can you shut up for five minutes?"

Gajeel laughed. "You ain't half moody. I want a rematch, I needa' show Lily how much this trainings worked."

...

Laxus punched him square in the face.

Lily laughed. "Not very effectively."

"Now, you got anything to say?"

Lily crawled out from under the bar. "The way you instantly KO'd Gajeel was indeed impressive. You are like the rumours say."

He grunted, which Lily took as a 'thank you' before he dragged himself off the stool and away from any more cats.

He wasn't no crazy cat boy.

* * *

Deciding he may as well take a mission, since he couldn't earn a damn minutes peace is this hell hole, he headed for the Request Board.

"Working on your birthday? What a lame life you have to waste."

He twitched. _Cana Alberona._

He walked over, keeping his cool demeanour intact.

"What happened to you?"

She snarled. "What does it look like? I'm drowning myself in booze, while my posture makes me seem more,_ manly._"

He took a seat. "Well, certainly Elfman would be proud."

Cana snorted. "I'd make a better man than him any day."

They both fell silent, before she generously offered him a spare barrel of liquor, much to his delight and suspicion.

"Do you normally hand out liquor to men? Is that your way of bedding them?"

She continued to drink. "Birthday or not, you're still an arrogant arsehole. Shut up and drink your alcohol."

A smirk. "My kind of woman."

"Wait until you see me naked."

Laxus eyed her. "Are you drunk?"

She rested her arm on him. "I'm not weak, Laxus. Alcohol for me, is like lightening for you. It gives me power, you know?"

He grimaced. What the hell was she talking about?

"It's all in the genes. And _oh baby_, I gained the alcohol gene."

"Cana, you're crazy."

A confident smile. "Call it what you want. I think I'm more of a genius. Anyway, pay up for the alcohol, I ain't made of money."

"Pay up? I thought this was my treat? You know, it's my _birthday._"

She winked. "You'll get your treat someday."

"I knew it. The great Cana is enjoying spending her day with me, _eh?_"

A laugh. "You've been here 3 minutes, and all day you've been moping around for nothing but seclusion, you're merely my companion."

"Companion? How'd you like to go on a job sometime? Then you can be _my_ companion."

"Yeah, it's a deal. Sounds good. Now seriously, pay up."

He handed her a few thousand jewel. "Keep the change."

Two minutes later, a naked Gray came flying over their heads, Juvia came sprinting from miles away to see, and a furious Lucy stood metres away. _Must of been her doing._

Laxus blinked. "Why did I want a normal birthday?"

Happy randomly flew over. "Because you're old." Then he dropped his fish on his lap, and left.

Cana laughed. "24 and still single. Oh boy, your life is over man."

He repeatedly head butted the bar. Damn annoying Guild.

* * *

A/N: He secretly loves them, though.

A/N#2: If you're 24 and single, you life isn't over. That was Cana speaking.


End file.
